英文笑話:The Affairs

　　The First Affair

　　There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

　　After months of trying， the wife became pregnant and sure enough， nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.　"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked， "Have you been fooling around on me？" The wife just smiled sweetly and said， "Not this time".

　　The Second Affair

　　A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz， who was about to be cremated， he made an amazing discovery：

　　Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen！ "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz，" said the mortician， "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

　　And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe，" he said， and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god！" she screamed， "Schwartz is dead！"

　　The Third Affair

　　A woman was in bed with her lover when she heardn her husband opening the front door. "Hurry！" she said， "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to，" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

　　"What's this， honey？" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh， it's just a statue，" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much， I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue， not even later that night when they went to sleep.

　　Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed， went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here，" he said to the 'statue'， "eat something". I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days， and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

　　The Fourth Affair

　　A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly， sir， that'll be 1 cent." ONE PENNY！" exclaimed the guy， the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu， and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak， with chips， peas， and a fried egg？"

　　"Certainly sir，"replies the bartender， "but all that comes to real money." "How much money？" inquires the guy. "4 cents"， he replies. "FOUR cents！" exclaims the guy.

　　"Where's the Guy who owns this place？" The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says， "What's he doing with yourwife？"…… …… The bartender replies， "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

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