English Humor Part 9

Fire and Hot WaterMr. Brown was busy writing letters in his room when his servant, a very stupid boy, rushed into his master's room and shouted. “Fire! Fire! The kitchen is on fire!”Mr. Brown got up quickly, and he and the boy ran as fast as they could to the kitchen.“Look there,” shouted the boy, pointing to the leaping flames. He had carelessly left some dry wood near the fire and this was a light and blazing hard. Mr. Brown saw a big pot of boiling water on the top of the stove. “You silly fellow,” he said, “Why didn't you throw that on the burning wood? That would have put it out quickly.”“Oh, no,” said the boy slowly. “That water would be useless. It is hot water!”　Five Months OlderThe Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18 years old.But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him, too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.“How old are you?” he asked.“Eighteen, sir,” said John.“But your brother was 18, too,” said the doctor, “Are you twins?”“Oh, no, sir,” said John, and his face went red. “My brother is five months older than I am.”　I Am My FatherOne day little Tom didn't want to go to school and telephoned the teacher. He pretended to be his father and said, “Hello. Is that the teacher speaking?”The teacher at the other end of the telephone, asked, “Who is that speaking?”“It's Me, sir,” answered Tom. “I…I am my father.”　Selling a LadderThere was a big garden near Mr. Jones' house, and it had a lot of fruit trees in it. One day he saw some beautiful apples on one of them. He went home and got a ladder, put it against the high wall of the garden and climbed up. Then he pulled the ladder up, put it down on the other side, and climbed down into the garden. Just then a gardener came round a corner and saw him.“What are you doing here?” he shouted.Mr. Jones thought quickly and then said. “I'm selling my ladder.”“Selling your ladder? In somebody else's garden? Do you think I believe such a stupid story?” said the gardener and came towards Mr. Jones with a stick.“It is my ladder,” said Mr. Jones, “and I can sell it where I like. You needn't buy if you don't want to.” And he took his ladder and climbed over the wall again.　Keep It a SecretJohn and David met in the street one day. Before they departed they had a conversation.“I want to ask you for a favor, but can you keep it a secret for me?” said John.“Certainly I can,” answered David.“I'm short of money these days. Will you please lend me some?”“Oh, don't worry,” David said, “I'll take it as if I did not hear you.”　Do fish ever Sweat?Fred: Do fish ever sweat?John: Of course they do. That's why the water of the sea is so salty.　Sharing CandyFather: Did you share the three pieces of candy with your little brother and yourself?Son: Yes, Dad.Father: How did you divide, then?Son: Oh, it's quite difficult to divide three between two persons, so I ate one first.　H to O“Johnny,” the teacher asked, “What is the formula for water?”“H, I , J, K, L, M, N, O” he replied.“That's not what I taught you.”“But you said the formula for water was H to O.”

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