All I Remember
When my father spoke to me，he always began the conversation with "Have I told you yet today how much I adore you？"The expression of love was reciprocated and，in his later years，as his life began to visibly ebb1），we grew even closer.……
At 82he was ready to die，and I was ready to let him go so that his suffering would end.We laughed and cried and held hands and told each other of our love and agreed that it was time.I said，"Dad，after you have gone I want a sign from you that you are fine，"He laughed at the absurdity of that；Dad didn't believe in reincarnation2）。I wasn't positive I did either，but I had had many experiences that convinced me I could get some signal "from the other side".
My father and I were so deeply connected I felt his heart attack in my chest at the moment he died.Later I mourned that the hospital，in their sterile3） wisdom，had not let me hold his hand as he had slipped away.
Day after day I prayed to hear from him，but nothing happened；night after night I asked for a dream before I fell asleep.And yet four long months passed and I heard and felt nothing but grief at his loss.Mother had died five years because of Alzheimer's disease，and，though I had grown daughters of my own，I felt like a lost child.
One day，while I was lying on a massage table in a dark quiet room waiting for my appointment，a wave of longing for my father swept over me，and I began to wonder if I had been too demanding in asking for a sign from him.I noticed that my mind was in a hyper－acute4） state.I experienced an unfamiliar clarity in which I could have added long columns of figures in my head.I checked to make sure I was awake and not dreaming，and I saw that I was as far removed from a dreamy state as one could possibly be.Each thought I had was like a drop of water disturbing a still pond，and I marvelled5） at the peacefulness of each passing moment.Then I thought，"I have been trying to control the messages from the other side；I will stop that now."
Suddenly my mother' s face appeared――my mother，as she had been before Alzheimer's disease stripped her of her mind，her humanity and 50pounds.Her magnificent silver hair crowned her sweet face.She was so real and so close I felt I could reach out and touch her.She looked as she had a dozen years ago，before the disease had begun.I even smelled the fragrance of Joy，her favourite perfume .She seemed to be waiting and did not speak.I wondered how it could happen that I was thinking of my father and my mother appeared，and I felt a little guilty that I had not asked for her as well.
I said，"Oh，mother，I am so sorry that you had to suffer with that horrible disease."She tipped her head slightly to one side，as though to acknowledge what I had said about her suffering.Then she smiled ――a beautiful smile ――and said very distinctly，"but all I remember is love."and she disappeared.
I began to shiver in a room suddenly gone cold，and I knew in my bones that the love we give and receive is all that matters and all that is remembered.Suffering disappears；love remains.Her words are the most important I have ever heard，and that moment is forever engraved on my heart.I have not yet seen or heard from my father，but I have no doubts that someday，when I least expect it，he will appear and say，"Have I told you yet today that I love you？"
當我父親跟我說話時，他總是這樣開口："我今天告沒告訴你我是多么愛你？"他這種愛的表達得到了回報；在他晚年，當他的健康日漸衰退時，我們更加親密了……
父親82歲那年，生命垂危，將撒手人寰，我已做好準備，這樣他的痛苦能夠終止。我們開心地笑，我們痛苦地哭，我們牽著彼此的手，我們告訴彼此是多么地相愛，我們坦然面對這分手的時候。我說，"爸爸，您去后我要您給我個信號，告訴我您一切都好。"爸爸對這荒唐的想法哈哈大笑；他不相信來世轉(zhuǎn)生。不過，我也不能說我就相信，但我有很多經(jīng)歷讓我確信我可以從"那個世界"得到一些信號。
父親和我是如此血肉相連，以至他死的那一刻，我胸中也感到他的心力衰竭。后來我很悲哀：醫(yī)務(wù)人員為防傳染，父親悄然離世時，沒讓我握著他的手。
日復(fù)一日我祈禱能夠收到他的信息，但什么也沒有發(fā)生；夜復(fù)一夜在睡前我祈求能做一個夢。但漫長的4個月過去了，我什么也沒有收到，什么也沒有感覺到，積在心頭的只是他逝去帶給我的悲傷。母親因患早老性癡呆病去世已5年了，盡管我已有了自己的成年女兒，但此時我就像一個沒著沒落的孩子。
一天，我躺在按摩臺上等待按摩師，房間光線昏暗，寂靜無聲，對父親的思念突然涌上心頭，我開始問自己：是否過于執(zhí)著非要尋得父親的一個信號不可？我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的大腦處于一種高度敏銳狀態(tài)，有著少有的清晰，完全可以把一長串數(shù)字加起來。我想確信自己是清醒的，沒有在做夢，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)自己著實清醒，根本不是在睡夢中。我腦中出現(xiàn)的每一念頭就如同一滴水打擾一潭靜水，我驚奇這逝去的每一瞬間是如此寧靜平和。這時我想，"我一直在試圖控制來自那個世界的信息；此時此刻我要停止這樣做。"
忽然，我母親的面龐出現(xiàn)了――是我的母親，是我那位在早老性癡呆病奪去她的理智、奪去她的人的特性、奪去她50磅身軀之前的母親。她那美麗的銀發(fā)像一頂皇冠戴在頭上，輝映出她那甜美的面容。她是如此的真實，離我如此的近，我覺得伸手能觸摸到她。她看來就如同十幾年前病魔尚未纏身時那樣。我甚至聞到了"快樂"的香味，那是她最喜歡的香水。她似乎在等待著，什么也不說。我不明白為什么我在想父親的時候母親會出現(xiàn)，我有些內(nèi)疚，因為我并沒有像想見父親那樣想見母親。
我說，"哦，母親，您遭受那樣可怕疾病的痛苦我是多么地難過。"她稍稍側(cè)了一下頭，似乎默認我所提及的她的痛苦。然后她露出了微笑――笑得是那么的美――并清清楚楚地說，"但我所記得的只是愛。"說完，她就消失了。
房間的氣溫驟然下降，我不禁打起了冷戰(zhàn)。我從骨子里知道只有我們給予和得到的愛最為重要，也會被記得。痛苦消失；愛尤在。母親的話是我聽過的最為重要的話，而那一刻也永遠銘刻在我心上。
我還是沒能看到我父親或收到我父親的什么信息，但我堅信有那么一天，在我最沒想到的時候，他會出現(xiàn)并對我說，"我今天告沒告訴你我愛你？"
注釋：
1. ebb vi. 消退， 衰退
2. reincarnation n. 再投胎， 化身， 再生
3. sterile adj. 貧脊的，衰竭的
4. hyper――acute 高度敏銳的
5. marvel v. 大為驚異， 覺得驚奇
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