致地球的公開信

first off, allow us to apologize for the abductions.

although it seemed like a good idea at the time, we recognize that too often you did not find the experience as satisfying as we did. we genuinely regret the way things got out of hand.

it started out as just something to do, an occasional way to blow off steam after a long day of observation. we tried not to break anybody, and we always put you back where we found you. frankly you aren't all that interesting, and we might soon have grown tired of the whole thing.

but we got such a kick out of your cute eyewitness accounts, what with the stories of our big dark eyes and little arms and all. you made us feel special, even if your tales were complete crap. the books, the movies, the t-shirts—we were like celebrities. and some of you took it all so seriously, with your conspiracy theories and everything. it was really quite a hoot.

then this guy whitley strieber came along, and he sort of took the joy out of it, you know? what a killjoy shitbag he is. today we abduct only nerdy guys who live alone in airstream trailers, primarily because they're nerds and, truth be told, we just like to mess with their heads.

many of you have written asking about crop circles, so let's set the record straight.

it ain't us. really, it's not. think about it. you people have trouble reaching your own moon, and even you have cell phones, satellite tv, and high-speed dsl.

we sail between stars at speeds you believe impossible—you think we have to knock down veggies in order to communicate?

and why do you always assume we land in rural areas? please. on a planet with new york, rio de janeiro, paris, and amsterdam, you figure we'd choose to hang out in roswell, new mexico? have any of you actually been there? (by the way, area 51 is a real hole. in the unlikely event we're ever in the neighborhood again, we're staying someplace else for sure.)

we would be remiss if we failed to mention the anal probing. for the longest time, we swear we thought those were data ports. we meant no harm, and hope that you will, like us, try to forget this unfortunate chapter in our history. in retrospect it was simply a bad idea.

now we don't want to be seen as whiners, but there are a few things we wish to discuss.

for one thing, we are troubled by the way we have been portrayed in the media. we represent an array of life whose richness and sheer scope would astound you. yet for the most part, on this planet we are typecast as either hairless dweebs with foreheads like watermelons, or else giant insects who want to eat you.

no offense, but this is especially hard to take from a backwater planet most beings have never heard of. (in fairness, this is not entirely true. earth is generally known for one thing: cottage cheese. seriously, nobody else ever thought of that. not even the lobo?lata, who are themselves dairy products.)

the very word “alien” is plagued by negative associations. according to our latest focus groups, the term conjures up images of 1) slimy, parasitic creatures who spring onto the faces of unsuspecting beings in order to plant their young inside, or 2) people picking cabbages. (apologies to the bulibians: slimy, parasitic creatures who actually do spring onto the faces of unsuspecting beings in order to plant their young inside.)

we've discussed this among ourselves, and we no longer wish to be called aliens. henceforth, we prefer to be called “chuck norris?.” please do not shorten, hyphenate, or alter this in any way. the plural form is the same, as in, “hey, there goes a chuck norris?. wait, there goes another one."

finally, some advice.

look, from where we sit, you're all the same. we appreciate that human beings come in slightly different models and colors, and to you these nearly imperceptible differences seem to cause no end of trouble. but honestly, we're astounded that you can even tell yourselves apart. in blind taste tests, in fact, the average chuck norris? cannot detect any difference whatsoever. so chill, people of earth, and try to get along.