BEC名師點評作文（4）
BEC劍橋商務英語證書在中國被認可的主要以外資企業居多，特別是英聯邦和歐盟成員國家的企業。BEC在外企及外籍人士中認可度還是很高的。
本期作文題目：
You are the office manager at an insurancecompany. You have arranged for contractors toupgrade your computer system. This means thesystem will be shut down for a full day.
Write a memo of 40-50 words:
informing staff of the shutdown
telling them when it will happen
asking them to prepare alternative work for theday.
老師提示：
商務寫作中遵循的原則是：簡潔，精確，禮貌。在考試中或者工作中，格式基本已經給出，所以只需要我們寫正文即可。正文中我們寫作要做到選詞精當，一針見血，語法正確，不出低級錯誤的句子。備忘錄屬于半正式的文體寫作，所以在句子選擇上可以適當放寬，不必太正式。
網友作文一：
MEMORANDUM
from : Tom TO : all staff
date : 25/8
Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so thesystem will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative workfor the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
TOM
_________________________________________
1.Business writing 中盡量少使用because....so... 這樣的結構，看起來不夠專業，改為：As we planto upgrade.....
2.有中式英文的痕跡：我要求你們。。。。改為：please prepare alternative work if you have touse the computer.
3.這不能算作accident, 既然已經計劃好了。整句去掉。換成thank you.
網友作文二：
From: office manager
To: all staff
Subject: the company system
I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut downon this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potentialinconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
Thank you.[5] _________________________________________
[1]去掉這個開頭，直接用被動語態開頭。
[2]去掉，多余了。
[3]如果你不能保證用長復句可以表達清楚，那么建議換成短句吧。拆成幾個短句也許表達更貼切呢。
[4]這句話看起來非常不清楚，主語在哪里?please 的后面是嗎?改成：please make sure that youhave prepared alternative work.
[5]另換一行
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