高考英語作文評析 （一）
某對外發(fā)行的英文刊物正在進行中學生英語征文，請根據(jù)下列提示，以Don’t Lose Your Courage為題寫一篇短文，以便向該刊投稿。
[提示]
1. 上高一的第一天；
2. 英語老師劉老師面帶微笑進入教室；
3. 她自我介紹，應稱呼她Miss Liu，而非Teacher Liu；
4. 要求我們每人到教室前自我介紹；
5. 我又怕又羞難以啟齒；
6. 老師鼓勵我，我講得很好；
7. 難忘的第一節(jié)課；
8. 實踐出真知。遇到困難不能灰心喪氣。
[注意]
1. 詞數(shù)100~140；
2. 不要逐字翻譯提示，可適當增加細節(jié)使文章連貫。
[學生原文]
Don’t Lose Your Heart
Never I shall（1） forget the first English lesson at Senior One given by Miss Liu. When she entered into（2） the classroom， we found that she was beautiful with a smile on her face. Then she introduced herself， saying that we should call her Miss Liu instead of Teacher Liu.
A moment later， she asked every（3） of us to go to the blackboard to say something about themselves（4） . When it was my turn， I felt so shyly（5） and fearful that I couldn’t speak a word out. Miss Liu came to me and said kindly， “Don’t be afraid. Have a try. I believe you can do it well.” My face turned red hearing that. At last， I went to the blackboard and was able to do it very well.
Up to now， I can still remember her words in my English（6） lesson：“Practice makes perfect. Never lose your heart when you meet with difficulties. Try on and on until you succeed.”
[名師點評]
作者能根據(jù)提示，運用所學知識得體地進行語言表達。故事行文流暢，要點齊全。運用了復雜的語言結構，作者大膽地使用了現(xiàn)在分詞，使短文緊湊，短文的開頭使用了When……Then……，A moment later等過渡詞，使用恰當，使短文情節(jié)逐層深入，作者在第二段最后使用了was able to為短文添彩。
但有幾處錯誤，現(xiàn)概括如下：
（1）短文首句使用了倒裝句，給人以深刻的印象，部分時間狀語，副詞提前，謂語動詞應倒裝，應改為Never shall I forget…。
（2）用法錯誤，enter含有go into的意思，所以應刪除into.
（3）every改為each， every是形容詞，each是代詞。
（4）themselves改為ourselves.因為故事使用第一人稱敘述了發(fā)生在我班上的情況。
（5）shyly改為shy.feel是系動詞，應接形容詞作表語。
（6）在English前加first，表示特定的第一節(jié)英語課。
[精品范文]
Don’t Lose Your Courage
Never shall I forget the first English lesson given by Miss Liu. On that day， when she entered the classroom， we found that she was a young and beautiful lady with a big smile on her face. Then she introduced herself saying that we should call her Miss Liu instead of Teacher Liu， a moment later， she let all of us go to the blackboard and say something about ourselves in English in turn. When it was my turn， I felt so shy and fearful that I didn’t dare to say a word before the class. She came up to me and said kindly， “Don’t be afraid. I believe you can do it. Come and have a try.” My face turned red when I heard that. At last， I went to the blackboard and was able to do it quite well. She praised for what I had done. Up to now， I can still remember her words in the first English lesson： “Practice makes perfect. Don’t lose your courage when you meet with difficulties. Try on and on until you succeed.”
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